sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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