everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
