where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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