In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
