I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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