By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
