today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
