You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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