This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
