The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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