Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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