I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize