I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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