my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Boobs are out for the taking
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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