one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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