You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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