i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
bring money and cleavage
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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