Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Sorry about my life...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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