it's too hot outside to masturbate.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
