No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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