New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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