I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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