Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
