i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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