Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
