Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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