Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
