I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
