I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
