She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
