I'm going to jail i love you
Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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