just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
