Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
