I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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