Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
