Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
