just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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