thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
