Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
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