all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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