I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
