You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
