Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
