I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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