two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
