If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
