these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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