see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize