Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
