My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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