Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
