please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
