I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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