...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Randomize
