If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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