he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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