Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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