you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Randomize
