life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
