My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
