I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
