And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
