Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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