I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
